When was the last time your confidence took a knock? PART 2

 When was the last time your confidence took a knock?

Is confidence actually fragile?

If confidence can be broken, how can I rebuild it?

Part 2

In the post this morning, I mentioned that I too have been struggling with my own confidence which is perhaps why I start to see that in some of students now. As I said, if you spot it, you have it.

I think my confidence definitely took a knock...Multiple knocks in May. Looking back, I am reminded of the words/Statements I was making.

For example, this position I would never throw even a year ago. I can't believe I didn't win this. This is the type of position I tell my students is like a free win. Or things like, I felt that no matter how much effort and energy I put in, It isn't enough. Or I gave my all but its so ..... frustrating because it feels like its not enough.

You see I was playing two tournaments during May. The Zonals and the Asian Continental (AC).

And these were the words I was using during and after the tournament. It wasn't a great tournament. And the way I felt was that I played better in some aspects of my game but other aspects just became way worse than before. For example, there were games where even on a bad day, I would win without issue. (my friends would say typical Zhuo Ren game). And then for some reason, this tournament the typical Zhuo Ren just didn't appear. I felt I lost that ability that I was known for. One of my closest friends messaged me after one such game and said How did you not win that? Is something wrong with you? You sick or something?

It was very frustrating. But I understand intellectually that I have been here before. Bad tournaments are part of chess. And I have had my fair share of them. Its just that I had two bad tournaments back to back and it was after I put in three weeks of ten plus hour days working on chess. Hence, the words I gave alot of effort, but felt its not enough.

However, understanding something intellectually isn't the same as knowing/feeling it. And even though I understand that this result doesn't define me. And it doesn't mean that I am weak or that I suck or that I am not useless, but sometimes it doesn't matter if you understand that. Because you feel that way.

I have had a month to deal with these feelings. But to be honest, I have been more distracted and I haven't taken time to really process it. I think writing this post is the first step towards processing it.

That's one of the reasons I am writing this. To help myself process it. The other reason is for my students dealing with this themselves. Its to show them that this is normal. It happens to everyone. And Hopefully I can write some things to help them cope with it better.

So lessons from this so far:

1. I need to acknowledge what is the thing that makes me feel like this.

in my case, I perform not to my expectation. I struggled in aspects that I normally am good at. Also, I feel that its too hard to maintain this level of strength, especially as I get older.

2. I need to try and reframe my thoughts regarding the matter.

Even if I don't believe it fully. Reframing it helps me to deal with it more positively

For example, at least now I know what things I need to work on. And Understanding that results are none of my business. I cannot control it. All I can do is put in the work. And I can think to myself that ok this feeling will eventually dissipate. And when it does, I can start working on my shortcomings again. And improve from there.

3. Try and be objective/delusional (might be both)

Did I really play that bad? Or did my opponents play really well? For example, the game that caused my friend to ask me are you sick or something. My opponent found 3 only moves to defend that position. And he had only 10 minutes to defend that game for 30+ moves. And all his moves were accurate. And In the whole game, I played 2 only moves to get big advantage. But I missed one move to win. So one missed chance in the whole game. And game ended in a draw. So analysing the game and being objective about it helps. Still sometimes feelings > intellectual. But knowing this helps to lessen the pain.

If I were to summarise the lesson in one sentence, it would be this:

the results that happen to you, good or bad, once past doesn't matter because you can't control it directly. What matters is how you use it to help you.

Easier said than done. But knowing that the results is something you can't directly control can help me protect my confidence.

This is my experience of dealing with confidence being broken. And I have went through it before and I will definitely go through it again. The best way I know is to try and use it as fuel. Sometimes I do it faster, sometimes slower. Its been one month. Hopefully this will be the start of the come back and rebuilding.

When it comes to rebuilding confidence, there are few things I find helpful. To find out, see you in the next post.