WHY I STARTED this blog? OR resuming it. And Why I could be quitting?

CLICK HERE to see my original reason first!

I wrote the reason slightly over 5 years ago.

Read it prior to writing this. 

I think the reasons I wrote in 2016 are still valid. But perhaps not the priority 

anymore.

I think I don't exactly know the real reason. So typing the reasons I had back in 2016 

seem abit naive to me now. But sometimes reasons can change. Alot of times when I write,

it is actually to organise my own thoughts and to understand myself more. 

When I read the 2016 post, I actually feel some pain and sadness. The selfish truth is Probably I wrote it

to document my journey and see how far I have come and Also to be accountable to follow

through on some of the goals I have, I have tried different things in the past 5 years. Some worked

and SOME FAILED Spectacularly. It really is a journey. It also provides a good springboard for me to 

reminisce and see what I thought from a few years ago.

Right now, I feel a bit lost and I want to make some changes. I am scared to make those changes.

At the same time, I feel I need to make them. Perhaps in a few years time when I look back at this

post, It might make me smile and how naive I am now. 

I was more sure of myself back then and even more sure of myself in 2018-2019. However from Dec 2020 to now, the feeling of uncertainty has grown. And I am not sure what exactly I am doing sometimes. I have hit most of my main goals. But my number 1 goal remains elusive. And although my life is great, I have this nagging feeling that I am not happy. I want to completely reinvent my life and start from 'zero' again. (a better zero).

At the same time, I am afraid of letting go of everything I have worked for. I guess when I am already feeling so uncertain, to let go of all the things I have been doing for the last 4 years will bring only

more uncertainty.

Ahhhhh, I am just gonna say it. Coaching doesn't bring me the same joy as it once was. My enthusiasm for it has always been very high. And I feel my own personal standard has been dropping since late 2020. When I feel those moments of dwindling enthusiasm, I can still through sheer will bring up the standard and inspire the kids I teach. However, in the last 1-2 months, it is getting harder. Not only harder, sometimes I just cant summon that will. I feel I don't want to anymore. This is why I am thinking to myself maybe its time to stop one on one coaching or to do less of it. 

There are some group classes that I am doing that I enjoy. It is because I get to study and RESEARCH chess material and then share them in a group setting. It is a bit tougher to do that for one to one now. 

This could be a temporary emotion I am feeling. But it has been on and off for the last 7-8 months. And I have told myself before when the standard starts to drop and I can't bring it up again, then it is time to walk away. 

I am not saying that I am good at what I do. It is very subjective. What I am saying is that I have my own internal standard. And especially the last 2 months, I feel I have been missing it quite often compared to the past. 

The things that bring me the most joy this last 1 month or so is studying chess on my own. 

The truth is I was aiming to become an IM. And it hasn't happened yet. That hurts me! And I realised I haven't actually committed to it 1000%.

It is time I do so. Watching the Olympics. And seeing the Filipino Hidilyn Diaz win gold and knowing her story of sacrifice, commitment and focus was very inspiring to me. 

I want to do that. To commit to it. And then to go for GM. Its tough and Sometimes I feel like I am not going 100% because I am spending too much time coaching. Its like perhaps I am coaching 100-120 hrs/month and only training 20-40 hrs/month. It would be ideal to swap the numbers around. 

This is something I am thinking of doing. It excites me and also scares me at the same time.

Anyway, this was a raw, unedited and unplanned post. Lets see what happens in a year's time

In summary, I am feeling and thinking of 

1. Reducing/postponing/quitting chess coaching 1-1.

2. To focus more time of working on my own chess and spending time with my aging parents

3. I am thinking how can I change my chess coaching into both learning for students and training for me ( I already have 2 ideas)